Tuesday, 20 June 2017

Hey Dad.

Hey Dad, when I was a kid, as you spoke, you combed my hair with your fingers, I always loved it when you did that. That feeling, it was way very much better than anything.
When I was a little girl, i said so much to you. Sometimes i knew it was stupid to say some things but i said it anyway.
And today, why does my mind not stop asking the questions!
I had lost all the interest in everything about my life. My heart has been ripped out of my body, when I saw you with the blood, I saw you taking your last breathe. I saw you struggling hard on the same bed where you caressed my hair.
Your hugs were my favorite. Today, I hug my pillow and imagine it's you. When you left this world, I felt the empty feeling. My legs felt weak, I kneel down on the floor and cry hard when I'm alone. I cried and cried, till my eyes were empty. I didn't just cry, I howled.

Today, I lifted my glass a little bit higher to cover more of my face, when i was with my friends in the nearby coffee shop, sipping coffee and staring at a child holding her dads fingers firmly and smiling. However, it didn't help, my body shook as i started to cry once i went back to my room.

In the hopeless moments, I decided that to end my pain. I had to end my life. When I look at our pictures, I feel dizzy, I press my feet hard on the floor to keep my balance. Everything we did together comes running into my mind.
You left, I realized a lot!

Taking the deep breathes, thinking about you, I close my eyes tightly and try to sleep. The dark ceiling looks similar to the darkness in my heart. Many times, I whisper 'Hey Dad, I love you', my voice breaking!

I never cried in front of the people, talking about you. But before speaking, whenever I had to talk about you. I always took a breathe because I knew that I was so close to crying and the time to runaway from others. Back to my world, my room, and on to my bed or onto the terrace. where i often sit quietly, thinking about you. about us. sometimes, I felt like screaming!

Most of the times, my stomach eyes and the heart were hurt badly. I ended up crying about everything that went wrong. I'm going through some kind of a pain from last four and half years. On your birthday, I kept smiling at the moon and crying at the same time. Have you heard me saying, 'Hey Dad, I miss you'?

The songs i hear, the movies i watch, so many things in the world reminds me of you.
Enjoying the view from the building, standing under the broad beautiful sky and opening my arms wide, I wonder, where you are!

I heard people saying that, after the death one becomes a star. Believing so, I walk up alone in the night to stare at the glowing stars and the shimmering moon. 'Hey Dad, are you there'? I question!

I'm here, in our memories shedding the tears. You left me alone and my heart is paining. The sad music reminds me of you. People of your age reminds me of you, their smiles and the talks. I find pieces of you in many things. I remember that last look you gave me, the way you stared at me for a minute and away from the ambulance window. 'Dad, you tried hard not to cry yet you cried.' I saw the tears rolling down to your face. I walked out silently, touching your hands gently. And then, I'm the only person who knows what happened to me in those moments. Only if I could write down all my feelings, I would write it all. But I know, no words can describe the pain I felt.
'Hey Dad,' No words can ever explain how much I miss you and love you.


You went as far as you could,
Far behind the states,
Far behind the countries,
Far behind the world.
Staring at the blank hush sky,
Looking at those shining stars,
I wish, someday you will come back
To me, as my son.




























6 comments:

  1. Aww, that is so sweet of you to pen down such emotions. And it is completely emotional thing for me too. Wonderful job, Jyoti. :)

    Happy for your new blog. <3 :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Replies
    1. Thank you, Navin Kumar.
      Keep reading.

      Delete
  3. Very sweet! He'll be proud to see this! Don't stop..keep going :)

    ReplyDelete